Average Looking Mat

no man is an island....

how many times have we heard that saying... true, men (humans to feminists and womanists) are social beings (some say we are animals), so there is a need for interaction... all, no let me change that, most of the time... but the rest of the time, we human beings need to deal with it alone... totally understand it...

despite coming from a great big family, we all have our personal individual spaces... i dont like too much intrusion... i have had relationships that are too clingy... dat i pried myself out of it... they seem to be control freaks... wanting to know ur every move...

ok here comes the stalker song...

'every breath u take' is being played in the background...

o man, it was suffocating... help! help! tolong! tolong!

well to those who know me well, they know this is true... or is it? i think not... to those who think they know me.., very well... can beg to differ.

so let me declare.. a declaration....

i am an island...

ok....

characters: Wak, Zaqy, Irawan, Iman

they are having coffee at makmur coffeeshop. it is 3am.

Irawan: Sial ah eh... (fuck man)

Iman: ah ah lah... (yes)

Wak: abih sekarang nak bikin apa.. (wat shall we do now)

Zaqy: pegi pah sua... (lets play pool)

Wak: malas ah... (i feel lazy)

Irawan: bukannya jauh sangat... (isnt dat far)

Wak: penat lah... (tired)

irawan and iman exits to pee...

a cat walks by...

Wak: eh tengok dia punya muskers... (look at its 'muskers')

Zaqy:ah ah kelakar.... (looks funny)

pause for 3o minutes.

irawan and iman enters.

pause

Zaqy: eh wan ada perkataan muskers? (is there such a word, muskers)

end

often have posted lyrics to state my emotional and psychological state... nevertheless, most of it are just to reflect the mood i am in... of cos this would be no different from any others... but i think the melody and lyrics would state, rightly how i feel today...

before anything, let me just say that i am so proud of my brother Herman, who will be going to Aceh with the Singapore Red Cross... never have been so proud of him...

Fake Plastic Trees by RadioHead

A green plastic watering can
For a fake chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself
It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns

He used to do surgery
On girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love

But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time

this time it makes sense Ms Soh...

i am a freak... well, at least in singapore... you know wat... i have always felt like an outsider... in my social circles at least... wic means, is my family, a family of freaks!? perhaps we are mutants!!! sorry, mutant X is on tv and felicia is raving on and on about it... its a RIP off!! i can never click with singaporeans... unless they are freaks like me... and that is one of the saddest things.... for the first time in my life i feel like i belong somewhere... everyone here is a freak... and to try to be 'normal' again... sorry madamoseille... a routine doesnt make a person normal... having haphazard days doesnt make one a freak either... ok let me give you two case senarios...

The following cases are based on true stories...

Case 1: Irawan as the Freakiest pervert in the whole entire universe

Irawan sees Singapore friend who seems lethargic. probably had a bad day.

Irawan: hello darling, how was your day?

girl stares blankly.

Singapore girl: i am not your darling.

Case 2: Irawan as the most charming man on the face of planet earth.

Irawan in same situation except it is a French girl by the name of Christelle Simeone.

Irawan- hello darling. how have you been?

French girl- hello darling... (goes up to kiss him in the cheeks)

Irawan- u ok?...

pause

he hugs her.

French girl-thanks, i need that... can you like hold me for a while...

they sat and carried on to enjoy each other's company...

i rest my case. and dont tell me its a east west thing.... and no, i have NOT slept with neither...

Padi's Semua Tak Sama is playing in my head...

dalam berlaku lama tertanya
sejuta bayangan dirimu
redup terasa
cahaya hati
mengingat apa yang telah kau berikan

waktu berjalan lambat mengiring
dalam titian takdir hidupku
cukup sudah aku tertahan
dalam persimpangan masa silamku

cuba untuk melawan
getir yg terus ku kecap
meresap ke dalam relung
sukmaku
cuba untuk singkirkan
aroma nafas tubuhmu
mengalir mengisi laju
darahku

semua tak sama
tak pernah sama
apa yang ku sentuh
apa yg ku pecut
hanya pelukmu
selembut belaimu
tak ada satupun yg mampu
menjadi seperti

apalah erti
hidupku ini
memapahku dalam ketiadaan

segalanya luruh
lemah tak bertubuh
hanya bersandar pada dirimu
tak bisa
sungguh tak bisa
mendamping dirimu
dengan dirinya..

does anybody know who is Ron Moss? i think the only people that i know who knows who i am talking about is 2 African boys that go by the name of Dennis Muhiga and Salih Fakier... Ok for the benefit of those who do not watch day time soaps, yeah those kinds your mothers probably used to swear by, he is the star of the Bold and the Beautiful... so what is the deal with this guy... why am i making such a hulabaloo over it... ok ok... ladies and gentleman, hold your horses!

ahem... i was in the city yesterday afternoon.... after my appointment, i decided to drop by Crazy Clarkes to look for some CDs, because i thought i saw a classic rock album, Living Color's Vivid and Time's Up... so while i was browsing through... i saw... jeng jeng jeng (Old Malay movie incidental music - suspense melody)... Ron Moss. can you believe it? he cut an album! haha.... well if David Hasselhof can so can Ron Moss... if i am not mistaken, so did Patrick Swayze... i think that was after Dirty Dancing... HOW SHOULD I KNOW if it was good or not!!! i have never listened to it...

later that day, Felicia called me up and asked me to get her a CD at JB HiFi... i think it was one of the most embarassing moment in my entire life ( so i reckon, it is just me...) in a CD shop... while i was lining up, the guy in the front queue had a collection of Miles Davies, Coltrane in his hand... the girl after him, a rock chick man... she had Machine Head... (drools, drools) and i think she is the real deal.. cause those wannabes only listen to softie bands that pretends to rock out.... (irawan gives them the finger!). then the guy infront of me, had Audioslave, Ramones, and Joni Mitchell... what a mix! anyway, this next guy... who was once a musician, had formal music education, confessed to have mastered 120 standard Jazz Progression, could sweep 45 forms of appergios on the guitar... who goes by the name of Irawan, ......had..... in his ........hand......Tammin's single, Personal Relationship... ok for those who are a bit slow on the effect... imagine Suhaib aka Rambo carrying a pink flowery hand bag.... BAIK AH!!!

the patroms all turn and stared at him a burst into laughter... Irawan breaks into a song wanting to become Mr Cellophane... the rest of the patrons starts to dance around him, while he twirld as he belts his embarassment in verses and chorus...

moving on

I stumbled upon Ram while having lunch....

Scene 1

Ram enters. Irawan glanced at him. nods his head. he shows his pointing finger, as a question to whether he was alone. irawan nods again.

Ram(R): where are the rest?

Irawan shrugs his shoulders and wonders what 'the rest' means. Ram automatically puts his DVD, Band of Brothers on the table, which Irawan reckons, he had just bought from JB Hi Fi. Cute Japanese waitress comes to the table and hands him his Fried Chickayn Rice. he leaves to order.

Ram exits.

Waitress (W)- chikayn rice?

Irawan smiles

I-arigato

W-iye

Irawan starts eating as he stares at the madding crowd outside.

Pause.

Ram enters.

Pause.

R-Are you working later?

Irawan nods and continues eating.

Pause.

Irawan fiddles with his mobile and continues eating.

Pause.

no so cute waitress arrives with Ram's food.

Waitress 2 (W2)- kare rice?

Ram nods, attempts to say thank you in Japanese as he glances at Irawan. Irawan carries on eating.

Ram finishes his food within 3 mins.

*incidental music. Rage Against the Machine starts playing in the background, not unlike the Matrix's concluding scene where Neo warns the programmes to beware....

he stands up.

music becomes more audible...

R: See ya.

music very audible....

Irawan nods. Ram leaves.

I think I heard a shot

I think I heard a shot

I think I heard a shotI think I heard a shotI think I heard a shotI think I heard a shotI think I heard, I think I heard a shot'

He may be a real contender for this position should he

abandon his supposed obediance to white liberal doctrine

of non-violence...and embrace black nationalism''

Through counter-intelligence it should be possible to

pinpoint potential trouble-makers...

And neutralize them, neutralize them, neutralize them

'Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake up!

How long? Not long, cause what you reap is what you sow

Fade.... end.

hugs and kisses for that pretty girl.

gushes of wind passes through. smog effect... sun shines but it is not torturing the skin... the kind only happens in movies...

well this is even better... it's a dream...

She appears out of nowhere... she stands by myside...

we have known each other for a long time... in fact... we just got back together after a long.. er.. time off...

anyway, as with most dreams, you magically appear and disappear at a place and arrive at another place so suddenly... so we went to places, like watching movies, or band practice... n then we checked into a room... after foreplay and so on forth, you guys get the drift... and then 'moment' came...

she: i need protection
he: that has never stopped you last time...

she gives him a stare..

he: what?
she: i dont wanna get Aids

heavy breathing, panting, panic attack...

Iwan wakes up and realises that it was only 8am... he has been asleep for 3 hrs, only...

wonderful weather today...

i think my shoulder and right arms hurt... cos i havent given it a rest.... too much exercise... no pain no gain...

it has been a while since i met up with Rafidah. ok not exactly THAT long. 2 weeks, around there. we met up in the city and bitch... this time about our respective families... (our fathers are best of friends)... so we kinda looking out for each other... you know cover our backs... like she has been staying with her Norwegian boyfriend.. yup! and i dont think it is something that HER parents would want to know... and if her father knows, i would be in trouble... and if i were in trouble... that means i would get it from my dad too... well since she is sort of 'my sister'... just to let you know, i dont believe in this adopted sister bro thing... she is just a very good friend... well she BETTA BE!!!... i have covered for her so many times... she owes me BIG TIME!!!

so finally she revealed to her dad, of cos, via her sister, of her desire to get a PR in Australia... he responded with... 'why couldnt she tell it herself?' and she was like 'then what the hell have i been saying!' i could actually imagine her dad... o i have to tell you guys this.... when we were younger, we used to call her dad, Mr Miyagi... you know of Karate Kid fame, Pat Morita... yeah.. a splitting image of Mr Miyagi... seriously... no kidding! Rafidah reckons if it had been any other children of any other parent, and not Mr Gani, they would have had a piece of his mind... hehehe... that is what you get away with if you are a favourite of his... o god i love that man...

anyway i told her about my bro, Rendra, getting married and how i got to know... this is how it went...

Characters: Mama, Irawan, Rendra

it was the eve of eid (hari raya or lebaran to SEAsians). Irawan made a call to Singapore.

Rendra picks it up

Rendra (R): (mumbles something inaudible)

Pause. Ruffling sounds. it was a cold night. Irawan regrets not having gone to pee earlier. ruffling sound again. apparently we are on speaker fone.

Mama: Iwan...

Irawan (I): ya...

Mama: Dah makan? (have you eaten?)

I: dah. mana En? (yes. Where is En {short for Rendra})

M: bila nak balik? (when are you coming home?)

I: ai... kasi duitlah (give me money, i will go home)

pause

I: apasal En tak jawab? (why didnt he answer)

M: tengah driving lah (he's driving)

I: hai, sudah maju... sewa kah pinjam kah? (progressive! is it rented or borrowed?)

M: sendiri punya lah (it's his)

I: serious! dah kaya nampak... (looks like he has money now)

M: Iwan! balik lah... (iwan, come home)

Irawan grunts.

M: En nak kahwin (he is getting married)

audience must remember we are still on speaker fone.

I: kahwin? dengan siapa? (married? to whom?)

M: dengan siapa lagi... (who else could it be)

I: .. dengan Leni.. perempuan gila tu... (with leni, the crazy girl?)

audience must remember, conversation is on speaker fone and Lenny is sitting beside Rendra...

Ruffling sounds. someone switches speaker fone off...


hilarious laughter from Rafidah and Dilah.... a couple of Mats from i dunno where were staring... we werent oblivious to the surroundings... just simply didnt care..

kazega tsu yoi...

wind blows through Murray St...

it's almost half past six, i just got back from daily swimming... there was no improvement... still ten laps and it's only 25m in length... so how lame is that... anyway, i am swimming for myself... for my own health... not that i have much of a problem with my body but i am 31... and i dont think i would get any fitter or healthier just by being stagnant... it is just a means to maintain whatever is left of my life now... no no no... not being an pessimistic... just being realistic... i mean, sportspeople reach their peak between 28-33... after which they would not get any better... in other words, if i dont start doing good things to my body right now, then when? well sorry for rambling about nothing... babes (still hate that word), i luv u too...

this wait is killing me... to know whether i am kicked out or not... o man... this is so bad...
watched the 1st season of Mind Your Language... for those too young or too ignorant to know what it is...shame on you... anyway, its hilarious, it was hilarious 20 years ago, it is still hilarious now in 2005... its a classic. not a flash in the pan...

Mr Brown: Ok Ali... make a sentence using You are...
Ali: i am sorry, i am afraid i am not understanding you..
B: you know, make a sentence, for eg, you are english...
Ali: i'm sorry i am pakistani, you are english...

well that's the only one i can think of now...

in my head, Suede's wild ones is playing .. was playing in my head wen u left, still playing in my head...

"The Wild Ones"
There's a song playing on the radio
Sky high in the airwaves on the morning show
And there's a lifeline slipping as the record plays
And as I open the blinds in my mind I'm believing that you could stay

And oh if you stay
I'll chase the rainblown fields away
We'll shine like the morning and sin in the sun
Oh if you stay
We'll be the wild ones, running with the dogs today

There's a song playing through another wall
All we see and believe is the D.J. and debts dissolve
And it's a shame the plane is leaving on this sunny day
Cos on you my tattoo will be bleeding and the name will stain
But oh if you stay we'll ride from disguised suburban graves
We'll go from the bungalows where the debts still grow every day

And oh if you stay
I'll chase the rainblown fears away
We'll shine like the morning and sin in the sun oh if you stay
We'll be the wild ones running with the dogs today
We'll be the wild ones running with the dogs today

how do you know that you are in love?
somebody once asked me...

that is a bugger of a question isnt it? stumped so many people.... it did stump me... it had been actually.but the good thing is that, i have been given a lot of time to ponder ... about 10 years of pondering...

so let us take romantic love...

basically, when 2 people get together it is because they can get along. psychologically,emotionally and physically.in other words, they compliment each other. difference is never a problem. the issue is, whether one can complement the other. that is the question, boys and girls, ladies and gentleman.

so what is complementing each other? i reckon there is a thousand and one example but i think the best (or the worst) that i can come up with is the other half is always able to finish his or her sentences...ok, either that means, the couple are soulmates or the luvy duvy cant live without you kind... hahahaha.... either way it doesnt sound as bad as it actually is...

she is over in china now.. should be in guangzhou by now... what is it about my gfs and china.... it is bound to happen if you DATE A CHINESE, IDIOT!!!o yeah and it also happens when you date a japanese, or even a czech or filipino for example.. she told me she would be staying in a hospice...that is a bugger...i can empathise with that. had my share of hospice staying...

today, i feel like rocking out... listening to alternative music, instead of the usual old school stuffs... yes i am old school....let's begin with franz ferdinand take me out, jet's are gonna be my girl, and so on so forth... well dabbling into old school stuffs is always never too far away... had to put my finger into it...

today's soundtrack...

Friday I'm in Love
by the Cure

I don't care if monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and wednesday too
Thursday i don't care about you
It's friday i'm in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's friday i'm in love

Saturday wait
And sunday always comes too late
But friday never hesitate...
I don't care if monday's black
Tuesday wednesday heart attack
Thursday never looking back
It's friday i'm in love

Monday you can hold your head
Tuesday wednesday stay in bed
Or thursday watch the walls instead
It's friday i'm in love

Saturday wait
And sunday always comes too late
But friday never hesitate...
Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a shriek
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's fridayI'm in love

o yeah try this...

when your better half says i love you, do you freak out? you know heart stops, you experience anxiety and all that shit... if not... its just another crush... if yes... you are big time deep in shit loveland... alritey...

as not many of you may know... i am the creator of a very affectionate term called 'hisap sua'... let me give a not so brief history or technically, an etymology of that phrase...

'hisap' as many Malay-Indo speaking people means, to suck... and 'sua' is a slang developed in certain parts of Malay speaking Singaporeans, namely the Mat and Minah Roks, from the word, 'sudah'... why, cos it sounds cool you idiot!!!

in 1994 (o dear! that was 10 years ago!) when i was in doing my National Service, this buddy of mine, who goes by the name of Ganesh, wanted to go for a smoke... so Mr Ganesh... said, 'NAK HISAP TAK (literal trans.: do you want to suck) '... though i knew what he exactly meant, it did sound a bit awkward... well that word, HISAP, stuck inside my head for a very long time...

then in 1998, while having ciggies and teh tarik and kopi KOW at a Merdeka Coffeeshop (the building is Merdeka Building aka the birth place of UMNO, would you believe it?)... after Friday prayers... this is how the conversation went...

Characters: Sufian, Iman, Irawan

Sufian: aku rasa dia nak test aku ( i think she is testing me)

Iman: test apa? ( what test?)

Sufian: entah ( idont know)

pause

Sufian: kau pernah korek juboh? ( have you ever put your finger in a woman's arse)

Iman: pernah (yes)

irawan chuckles

pause

Sufian: macam mana kau tahu dia suka? (so how do you know she likes it...)

Iman: muka dia gini macam (o she will give this look....)

iman clenches his lips and enlarges his eyes, and blinks it a couple more times....

laughter

Sufian: itu bukan suka (that's not a sign)

Iman: ya (it is) ...

Sufian: taklah (no)...

Iman: it is...

Sufian: no

Iman: it is...

Irawan: OK OK... hisap sua...

offers some cigarettes to the both of them... something like a peace pipe

Sufian: hah! hisap sua...

Iman: Hisap sua!

so there it is, the christening of 'hisap sua' on a holy friday...

what is the best way to forget about your worries? i think people deal with them very differently... it is when a person doesnt deal with it, then it becomes a worry... forgive me for such gobbledegup... not meaning to be vague... i am vague arent i.... i hate it sometimes... i think it is one of my best (managing to avoid answering questions) and worst characteristics (when the questoineer gets frustrated because he or she does not get straight answers) ... well at least to those not very close to me...

someone once asked me... how can you be so public and yet so private at the same time?

well the answer lies with my big family. 11 altogether. 6 boys 3 girls. somehow, you have to find your own space in that crampy little apartment (its not that cramped, really. but when you have 11 in the family... you get the drift) ... so where was i, o yeah, crampy little apartment... so you find your own space, up in the head...

henceforth, can anyone understand why i choose to keep things to myself? is it an act of selfishness? it is just me... it is like asking a girl, why do you buy so many shoes? there is no reason, i was just built that way... nurtured by the environment that i lived in... am still living in... at least in my head...

ok ... daily routine...

now that i am sort of living in felicia's apartment...

morning- writing, usually about two hours... random writing... brainstorming ideas...
afternoon- after lunch, swimming... healthy lifestyle... at least 10 laps...
evening - off to work
night - free time...

o my god, that sounds just like national service... dont get me wrong... i loved the time... but to get stuck to such routine... this is bad...

speaking about things in my head, since i dont have my guitar with me, Stevie Wonder's Overjoyed has been playing in my head...

well those last days with her, eliminating the sucky feeling, was exactly how i felt... overjoyed.. (jamie doesnt like Stevie's lyrics) ... never felt that way since Miss Kumagaya came to my life..

other than that, being in Felicia's place makes me appreciate the simple fact that Ram is simply annoying... two faced untrustworthy son of a gay ass bitch liar... there i have said it! but i pity my other housemate... Salih Fakier of Botswana...

you know what, singaporeans are so hopeless when it comes to personal relationships, yes i am afraid, that includes me... i am trying my best... i just hope i dont disappoint myself...

missing you...still...

and yes you too Aadilah...

first and foremost, happy new year to all...

to everyone in perth and in singapore and perhaps to all my friends all over the world...

let me explain to all, in brief, where i stand in life...

i hadnt paid my school fees for last semester, or rather didnt have enough to pay them all and so i am in a fix. the school has sent me a nice love letter. so forseeing the worst, i am waiting the next love letter, this time from the Immigration office. BITCH! sorry about that, cant help feeling that this SUCKS... when that day comes, i have 28 days... to get out of perth. which is actually not all too bad.. cos on february 26th my brother is getting married to one psycho bitch... why?... we shall discuss this on another time, when i have had the time and pleasure to addresss this finely pleasant and sugary thought and issue...

anyway, i have been trying to psyche myself up for Singapore.. o god i hate that country.. no offence its not about the people, well partly, its not about the weather, well a bit, can i talk about this another time? abso-fucking-lutely .. IT IS after all MY BLOG! BITCH!!!!

sorry about that again... part of that process involves getting a job... yeah indeed, sort of found myself a teaching job.. yawn... would like to work in a coffeeshop.. you know ... why? no pressure.... just work... and go home... no worries bout future of the generation kind of thing.... not at this point of time...

so that is what i have been trying to do...

the other part... working hard to stay on... get a work visa? appeal to my school... after all, i have only one semester!!! so you know why i feel so sucky! o man... if only any of you know how that feels... dont ask me why i didnt have enough... ok... we will talk on a different date...

fucking hell...

hmm... i notice a pattern here... loads of swearing... and loads of BITCH... well 2 ... 3 if you include the 'explanatory' one above...

so.. what did i do today...

what i do know... i went swimming.. did 10 laps.. not much... but it was a very very very magnificient exercise... i felt relaxed... and then after which, went to the city, and went to work... cleaning job.. for BPM... at Sun Microsystems building at Adelaide Terrace...

read any good books lately? not much actually... trying to stave off books for the time being... been reading too many autobiographies and biographies... part of of the research that i was doing...

i am such a baby... very soft hearted... on Sunday morning.... while watching the Tsunami thing on tv... my eye teared for a good 15 minutes... BITCH!!! why am i telling all of you this.... anyway fuck all of you! i dont care...

yeah that felt good... sorry guys....

desires....

lets talk about them..

that beige suit at Roger David... if i have them... i'd wear them during my brother's wedding.... shoes.... hmmmm .... i need a casual, sporty thing, saw a nice pair at Betts... fuck forgot the name...

Conversation of the day

Feli: why the hell did they put the bins out?

Me: Cliffy put it out...

Feli: but we only do it on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday...

Me: it is Tuesday...

Feli: o yeah...


earlier today

Me: Saturday felt like a Sunday....

Feli: that's because you went to the beach...

Me: Sunday felt like a Sunday... and Monday felt like a Sunday... and Tuesday feels like a Monday

Missing u, Soh Sze Ken, she hadnt contacted me the whole day...